Sunday, December 27, 2009

You've Been Warned Vol II Issue XXXXVI: The Worst Comics of 2009

THE WORST COMICS OF 2009
As decided by your humble reviewer.

- WORST WRITER - James Robinson Superman, JLA
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How the mighty have fallen. No single creator has been responsible for more meandering, unpleasant story lines than this man. In one year he's felled more icons than anyone else in recent memory. Once upon a time this author only wrote a single title at a time. My recommendation is he goes back to that regiment.

- WORST ARTIST - XURXO G. PENALTA Terror Inc.: Apocalypse Soon #3
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Look at this shit. Unbelievable. The third issue of this short-suffering MAX mini-series featured only a handful of pages from this "artist," but even that was too much, or if you will, enough to garner the disgraceful honor of "worst artist." May as well hire a five year old with a box of crayolas to draw the damn comic. Or a monkey. A retarded monkey even. Here's to hoping we've seen the last of this artist.

- WORST SERIES - MADMAN by Michael Allred
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Once the darling of indie comix scene, 2009 saw the complete disintegration of this previously awesome title. Plagued by awkward character developments, unsuccessful visual experimentation, and painful guest appearances, not even Allred's spot-on artistic stylings could salvage this now unreadable series. I'll never trust a beatnik again.

- WORST MINI-SERIES - SUPERMAN: WORLD OF NEW KRYPTON by James Robinson, Greg Rucka, & Pete Woods
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A clever idea gone horribly wrong. This series features Superman on the newly formed planet of New Krypton ... fucking doing nothing! Bluh! Somebody fucking throw a pie or something already. James Robinson, the newly crowned king of inaction, strikes again.

- WORST PUBLISHER - BLUE WATER PRODUCTIONS
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The comic industry's answer to The National Inquirer. The starfucking publisher of comics such as Female Force, Political Power, Bo Obama: White House Tails, and The Michael Jackson Tribute Comic. These folks give whores and comic books a bad name, as in they'll do anything for a buck. Not a month goes by where the mere sight of Bluewater's upcoming books doesn't trigger dry heaves. I'd wish a raging case of chlamydia on anyone who works for this publisher, but what's the point? They've all got it already. You guys suck!

- WORST GRAPHIC NOVEL - FART PARTY Vol. 2 by Julia Wertz
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Talk about a sophmore jinx. This second collection of Wertz's online comics features embarrassingly sloppy (even for an indie comic artist) travel journals and autobiographical misadventures that grow less and less endearing with each turn of the page. I wish the author all the luck in the years to come, 'cause she's gonna need it if she's already run out of steam and material this early in her career.

- WORST ISSUE - BRAVE AND THE BOLD #18 by Marv Wolfman & Phil Winslade
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The conclusion of a sappy storyline featuring two super-heroines with daddy issues. The climax of the story highlights the two protagonists holding hands and punching an evil vision of their daddies. Reads very much like fan-fiction porno, except, y'know, without the girl-on-girl action. Undeniable evidence that Marv Wolfman needs to retire.

- WORST NEW SERIES - GOTHAM CITY SIRENS
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The Bat-Universe's version of Gossip Girl, Melrose Place, or One Tree Hill, only with less statutory rape. Chronic masturbators everywhere rejoice.

- WORST HERO - SUPERMAN
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2009 saw the Superman Universe reduced to shambles. Action Comics and Superman taken over by third-string heroes with no momentum or redeeming qualities, Supergirl penned by a rookie and more unreadable than ever, and Superman himself banished into unending boredom on another planet in New Krypton. It truly was the darkest year on record for the world's most recongnizable super-hero, and it looks like things are going to get a lot worse before they get better.

- WORST VILLAIN - NORMAN OSBORN
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This character has saturated nearly every comic in the Marvel Universe, to the point where his visage now causes little more than groans of annoyance. Overexposure has rendered this once mighty villain completely impotent. I can't wait for the next horrific Marvel event to end Norman Osborn's "reign" so he can put the damn Green Goblin mask back on again and get out of my damn Thor and Daredevil comics.

- FAIL OF THE YEAR - DR. DOOM USES WIKIPEDIA Thor #601
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I don't have words to describe my disbelief that such a thing found print. I just don't.

- BREAKDOWN OF THE YEAR - CAPTAIN AMERICA: REBORN
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The secrecy. The media blitz. The complete indifference from the public. Pity the retailors with mountains of unsold, slowly decaying first issues of this title stacked away in backrooms like so much kindling. This much-hyped, little read series, featuring the return of Steve Rogers, put a fair amount of egg on Marvel's face, which many a reader (myself included) relished a little too feverently. To make matters worse, it's been revealed just this week that Rogers won't even by taking up the mantel of Captain America again, making the event that much more irrelevant. The New York Times isn't the only entity who'll think twice next time Marvel has "big news."

- DISHONERABLE MENTION - DISNEY BUYS MARVEL
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It all makes sense now: the unending, overpriced crossovers, the inexplicable dollar raise in mini-series and select titles, the horrific returns to classic numberings, the over sized, overpriced issues crammed with inexpensive reprints, the whore mongering headline grabbing: it was all for Marvel to appear a hot commodity for its new pimp daddy, Disney. And holy fuck did it work. But it worked at the fan's expense, as well as the industry's, and it may have cost Marvel its major edge of being answerable only to itself, rather than a new group of know-nothing, bean-counting CEOs who haven't read a comic in eight or nine decades. In the long run it's unknown what long term ramifications this insane merger will have on the industry, but ask any fanboy or fangirl worth their salt and they'll tell you it won't be good.

There we have it, boys and girls. Good riddance 2009, and here's to hoping for a better tomorrow. See you next year.

You've been warned.

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