Sunday, December 6, 2009

You've Been Warned Vol II Issue XXXXIV

Comic reviews by a fan, for the fans!

-COMING ATTRACTIONS- In which Mister V rejoices or laments over the offerings in this month's Diamond Distribution's Previews.

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-First Thoughts- It's never a good sign for the month when the cover features a fucking toy. Oy vey, it's like we've given up already.

-Dark Horse Comics- Slow month here. Only two things of note from this publisher: a new Graham Annable collection entitled The Book of Grinkle (this creator has never failed to put a smile on my sour face, so I'm excited about that), and I still don't have my fucking Bettie Page disappearing top mug yet. Fuckers.

-DC Comics- Gotta hate that fucking "TOP SECRET" shit DC's pullin' with their Blackest Night books. It pissed the holy fucking bullfuck out of me when Marvel did that. At least DC has the decency to provide a blurb about each title. But c'mon. The series is already great. No need to jerk us off about it.

Oh look! Remember how awesome Milestone Comics was?! Neither do I! Would you pay six bucks to relive all the awesomeness?! Fucking neither would I! What I do remember is how much it sucked when Dwayne McDuffie had his little crossover with the JLA. Felt like someone with a red hot metal strap on was skull fucking me. Let that shit fucking die already. Yeesh.

Normally I steer clear of those tempting as fuck Vertigo hardcover books, because kiss my ass I'm not paying an extra five bucks for a stupid ass cover. No way Jose. But Peter Bagge hasn't sequentially done shit since the turn of the century. Not really, but still... if ever there were an artist worth the jacked-up retail price, it'd be Peter Bagge. Other Lives hits shelves in February, and it'll so be worth it. The man puts out books less frequently than panda bears fuck in captivity. You gotta enjoy that shit when it happens. Not pandas fucking but ... ah you know what I mean.

-Image Comics- Spawn hits the big 200 issues, and no one but Todd McFarlane and hillbilly burnouts across the country with 20 copies of issue #1 locked in a cheap K-Mart safe give a crap.

-Marvel Comics- I am so avoiding Siege like the Swine Flu. In fact, if faced with the option, I'd take the potentially life-ending viral infection over the 8 or so titles I'd have to read in order to get the full story. I'm going so far as to drop Thunderbolts so I officially have nothing to do with it. So eat me, Marvel.

Looks like Marvel's aiming for the brain dead teenage demographic with Ultimate Comics X. Jeph Loeb spawns the bastard child of X-Men and Gossip Girl, or 90210, or whatever crappy teen drama the kids are masturbating to these days. How they got Art Adams on this book is beyond my ability to comprehend (I'm guessing it may have involved a dump truck full of money). This title makes me nauseous by the cover alone, which is no small feat. The second vampires start appearing here I'll totally puke all over my computer, and I am not looking forward to cleaning that shit up.

At least Daredevil and Fantastic Four are still awesome. Thank the comic gods for small miracles.

Red Hulk. Green Hulk. Get a few more colors in there and we can have the "Gay Pride Hulk Brigade." Now THAT shit would grab some headlines.

-Avatar Press- For someone who always laments about never getting anything done, Warren Ellis sure does put out a buttload of comics. If he ever quit the industry, I'd have 50 more bucks in my pockets on a monthly basis, easy. I don't know if that's a good thing or not. I'm just sayin' ... the man's a machine. A new mini-series from him, Captain Swing and the Electrical Pirates of Cindery Island, hits the shelves in two months. You know I'll be there.

In Conclusion... Holy buttfuck, that's it?! Man, there is jack shit coming out for February, and what is coming out is freakin' retarded. Sofa king retarded, even. It's like the industry's mimicking the landscape of both the season and the economy. Bleak as fuck, people. I'm totally gonna have so much money left over to spend on drugs. Awesome.

Happy shopping, fanboys and fangirls. Don't buy anything I wouldn't.

You've been warned.

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