Saturday, October 31, 2009

A. Louie Ray 033 (Whodunit?! Pt. 4)

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Back in 2001, when the world was still bright, carefree, and optimistic, Britney Spears and Pepsi did some multi-million dollar advertising campaign, which in turn spilled over to 7-11 in the form of Big Gulp cups. Being the inexplicable fan I am, I of course rushed to the nearest storefront to secure not one, but two of these cups. And the world was good ...

... That is, until Halloween, 2001, in which my roommate threw a party. I managed to get myself thouroughly inebriated (consuming a bottle of Watermelon Mad Dog, as I recall), and in doing so failed to realize and thwart two of her douchebag friends from stealing both (fucking both!) of my prized cups. Come morning I was beside myself. I contacted those two fuckheads immediately to petition my cups safe return, much like American parents were known to do with children held hostage in Soviet Russia. And in a very Stalinist way, the two fuckheads agreed, but never delivered.

I've been Britney Spears cupless for 8 years. And then, just last week, I found and won this on ebay.

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That's right. I've retained some semblance of normality. It's not my exact cup, returned from those fucking cocksuckers, and it cost me seven dollars, but it's mine. SO FUCK YOU RICHIE AND ... AND WHATEVER YOUR FUCKING NAME WAS! THIS IS MY FUCKING CUP! NO ONE MAY USE IT BUT ME! ANYONE WHO EVEN TOUCHES IT'S GONNA GET A SWIFT KICK IN THE GENITALS! IT'S MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE!!!!

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A. Louie Ray Archives.

Don't forget to visit The Buy Mister V a Drink Foundation!

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