Sunday, August 16, 2009

You've Been Warned Vol II Issue XXX

Comic reviews by a fan, for a fans.

**As always, mind the spoilers, fanboy.**

- COMING ATTRACTIONS -
In which Mister V rejoices or laments over the offerings in Diamond Distribution's Previews for October.

- DARK HORSE COMICS - I'm so fucking pissed at DHC. Where the motherfucking crap is my goddamn Disappearing Top Bettie Page Coffee Mug?! I ordered it, like, six months ago! It's been offered in Previews twice since then. Where the fuck is mine?! Huh?! Huh, motherfuckers?! You don't take care of the people in the middle of the line when the folks at the front are still waiting! Gimme my goddamn mug! Gimme gimme gimme!

I'm excited for another Groo series, and 365 Samurai and a Few Bowls of Rice looks extremely interesting. I may just get both of them ... IF THEY'LL SEND ME MY GODDAMN MUG! JUST GIVE IT TO ME! NOW! FUCK!!!

- DC COMICS - Blackest Night keeps rolling on, but aside from that there's not a lot to talk about with this publisher. James Robinson's taking over JLA, which I was excited for at first. But now with his supposedly dreadful performance in JLA: Cry for Justice, and his mediocre Superman books (which I can personally confirm), I'm not so sure now. I'll still get it since Bagley's attached, but the second it starts sucking I'm so gone.

With Wildstorm, Astro City's starting up a monthly book. I don't believe I've ever read a bad story from this series. Life's gonna be a bit sweeter with a consistently awesome super-hero book in it.

As far as Planetary goes ... does anyone even care anymore? I can't remember what happened in the last issue, or even the last storyline for that matter. I don't remember the series being that groundbreaking in the first place. Ellis has written much better books than this. So, like, whatever.

- IMAGE COMICS - I'm always excited when Robert Kirkman shakes up the statue quo, but I'm skeptical of his new book Haunt, which teams him up with Todd McFarlane. It looks extremely 90's (in a bad way). Plus, I'm still mad that I can't get my hands on reprints of Miracle Man (or Marvel Man, whatever) in part because of McFarlane. It's a good thing Kirkman's so habitually awesome, or I'd walk a circle around this like it were a pile of puke baking on the sidewalk during a hot summer day.

- MARVEL COMICS - I'm running out of Marvel books here. First they chopped Exiles, now they're fucking about with Agents of Atlas (which pisses me off to the point where I'll probably drop it ... fucking X-Men crossovers). Compound that with my new found decision to drop a title every time one of my regular Marvel books goes up to $3.99 for absolutely no reason ... by this time next year I'll only be getting two or three titles. I'm totally alienated with this publisher. I never thought I'd see the day. Never in a bazillion years. And I've been a true believer since I was 10. Way to go, youse guys.

- BLUEWATER PRODUCTIONS - Michael Jackson tribute comic?! Somebody drop a safe on these necrophiliacs already.

- CARTOON BOOKS - Let me see if I understand this ... the folks who haven't been reading Rasl can now by all five issues in a packet at roughly $2.80 an issue, plus they'll get free temporary tattoos? What about the people who have been reading the book since it's inception (like me)? Where're my damn tattoos? Why must life be so fucking unfair? Boo hoo hoo! (If you've been toying with the idea of getting this book, now's the time to do it. Fucking free tattoos).

- IDW - Everyone's really excited about the collected Bloom County. I'm not one of them. Especially not for $40.00 a pop. Blasphemy, I know. Burn me at the stake already and get it over with. I'll be crispy, but at least I'll have $40 more than YOU. Who has the last laugh now?

- LAST GASP - I am both elated and paralyzed with impending doom about the release of the final two Barefoot Gen books. The memoir revolving around post-WWII Hiroshima is one of the most horrific things I've ever read, and I've been waiting for its conclusion for YEARS. Oh Christ, I wish I could just get it over with already. I'm shivering with anticipation already, like some dumb drugged virgin in a Motel 6 on her horrific wedding night. Shivering, I says.

IN CONCLUSION ... sorry for the short column, kids. I'm not being lazy. Well, I'm being a little lazy. Mostly it's just an extremely uneventful month. EXTREMELY. At least we can all start saving for Christmas. Make sure you stock up on your No-Doze pills too, 'cause October's gonna be boooooring.

You've been warned.

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