Sunday, June 7, 2009

You've Been Warned Vol II Issue XX

~ COMIC REVIEW BY A FAN, FOR THE FANS. ~

- COMING ATTRACTIONS -
In which Mister V rejoices or laments over the solicitations in June's Diamond Distribution's Previews.

- DARK HORSE COMICS - I'm very, VERY excited to see a Groo Omnibus being solicited. I've been waiting a long fuckin' time to get my hands on this stuff. In this industry such patience is often rewarded with a big, heaping helping of fuck all, so I'm thrilled to see that, in this instance at least, all that waiting has paid off.

On that note, I'd also like to state for the record that this publisher has yet to ship out my Bettie Page Disappearing Top Mug, and I'm fucking not happy about it. Not in the slightest. Gimme my mug, you motherfucks, afore I have to come down there and crack all yer damn skulls.

- DC COMICS - How you gonna put something like this on the cover of a book:

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You're gonna put some necrophiliac shit in plain sight on the shelves? Fine, but can't you get someone besides Ed Benes to do it? It looks like the dude had one hand on the drawing table and the other on his dick. Fuck's sake, no wonder everyone in the South thinks comics are for children or perverts.

Recently I came into possession of a comic called "The Story of Dublin Dr. Pepper" whose format is very similar to that of what Wednesday Comics will be. It's really nifty. I announced this finding to the proprietor of my local shop. He responded by asking if I'd pay $3.99 a week for such a book. Thus how I learned how utterly doomed to failure this book is. Well fuck ... at least DC's trying something new.

Who the crap is Bryan Q. Miller and how did he land Batgirl? And how many damn Bat-related books does the market need? 'Cause there's fucking eleven of them being offered this month. ELEVEN. Flood the market much? (EDIT: After a quick google search I've discovered that Bryan Q. Miller wrote a few episodes of Smallville. Whoop-de-doo).

I dropped Supergirl this month. Codename: Patriot, a four-part storyline involving all the Super-books (all of which I get except for Supergirl) kicks off in August. Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in. Well ... dammit ... I'll do it, but Lordy ya'll ain't gonna hear the end of it. Up yours, Sterling Gates.

I don't know what to think of Stracynski's Red Circle one-shots. Sracynski's a great writer a lot of the time, but when he fucks up he REALLY fucks up. And the appearance of his revived characters looks a bit questionable to say the least. In particular, "Inferno" looks like some beefed-up profile of the stereotypical homosexual male. Even the heading screams "Queer Eye...":

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Give the dude a Village People hat and let him loose on the streets of San Fransisco, for crap's sake.

- IMAGE COMICS - Who the crap is Tyrese Gibson and what do I care if he's writing his own comic called Mayhem? Fuck! {{Insert pause for Google search here}}. Okay, he's an actor. This is the second time this month I've stumbled across someone from Hollywood slumming in comics. Either I'm out of the loop with who's who or the comic industry is desperate for any big name attention available. It's probably both, but I bet it's more on the latter than the former. Although I am pretty out of the loop these days. Aw fuck whatever.

I've never read anything by Brandon Graham, but the solicitation for his book King City features one clever-ass cat joke, and Bryan Lee O'Malley's enthusiastic approval. So I'm there.

I stopped by aaapop.com for a sample of The Gear, as their cd Left of Center of the Universe is being offered. It's proof that comics and music generally don't mix, as there's a world of difference between what goes in your eye and what goes in your ear. Don't believe me? Go check it out yourself.

- MARVEL COMICS - Fuck you again Marvel for not telling us what Reborn is. Ya'll can choke on a big bowl of dick.

It's nice that Marvel's pushing some of their up-and-coming writers this month, like Jason Aaron and Jonathan Hickman, but this publisher it too fucking much. Between the whole Reborn thing, the jumping back and forth between classic numbering to jack up the price on a book (i.e. Daredevil), or cancelling a series and restarting it as a pricey mini-series (i.e. Ghost Rider), it's enough to make a guy jump out a window. Fuck Marvel. They don't give a shit about us. All they want is money. Shit makes me fucking sick.

So I'm not talking about their books anymore this week, lest I accidentally cover my keypad with vomit. From, y'know, when I puke in disgust.

- A.L. PUBLISHING - I used to read Arsenic Lullaby all the time. It's got a sporadic publishing schedule, so I haven't picked it up in a while, but I vouch for it's fucked-upness. I can't tell if this Pulp Edition: Omega is a stack of reprints or new tales, but either way, if you enjoy a book with jokes potent enough to kill small children and the elderly, it's in your best interest to check it out.

- ARCANA STUDIOS - The collected second half of The Killer is being offered this month. If you're a noir fan I highly, HIGHLY, recommend this title. It's so hot it'll singe the hair off your balls.

- ARCHIE COMIC PUBLICATIONS - Archie proposes? To Veronica? I knew that fucker was always bourgeois at heart, and this proves it. Going for the rich girl? That makes you an enemy of the revolution. Fucking sell-out. He'll be one of the first to go when the glorious uprising happens. It's your head on the spike, Archie. Your head on the spike.

- BLUEWATER PRODUCTIONS - Great. I thought I'd spared myself from puking after skipping discussion about Marvel's books. Then I hit Bluewater. Now I've gone and vomited all over everything. God, it's everywhere. Up yours, Bluewater. You and Marvel should get together and, I don't know, have retarded comic book babies.

{{Insert pause to clean vomit off keyboard here.}}

- Digital Manga Publishing - It's become a sick pastime of mine to buy comics for my girlfriend that I know will horrify her. This looks right up her alley:

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Nothing horrifies a woman's dainty sensibilities like hot man love.

- NBM - NEW DUNGEON! NEW DUNGEON! NEW DUNGEON! NEW DUNGEON! AW FUCK I JUST CAME IN MY PANTS! NEW DUNGEON!

- PANTHEON BOOKS - I'm torn about A.D.: New Orleans after the Deluge. Is it going to be an unflinching plunge into society's faults and sucsesses, like Maus or Persepolis? Or is it going to be another post-American tragedy gold-digging monstrosity, like American Widow? Pantheon generally doesn't fuck around with crappy books, so I'll probably get it. It sounds good. I just hope I don't get freakin' hosed.

- TITAN PUBLISHING - I never thought I'd see a new Lenore comic again. I also thought I'd never see the editor-in-chief at this book's former publisher sucking hobo dick in a back alley for crack money (and from what I've heard you have to suck A LOT of hobo dick before you have enough cash money to buy crack). Wonders never cease. Hooray new Lenore! And cheap blowjobs!

IN CONCLUSION ... it's a fairly lack luster month in the comic biz. In fact, it's a mostly crappy month, and I'm full of hate now. I'm gonna go lay down.

Happy shopping, fanboys and fangirls. Don't buy anything I wouldn't.

YOU'VE BEEN WARNED.

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