Saturday, June 20, 2009

Captain Conservative 31 (Crossover Madness Just Won't Stop!)

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I got to see my first funnel cloud last Sunday. I was at the Mile High Flea Market, in a completely deadlocked line of traffic, when it began spiraling down from the heavens like the lazy wrath of an old pagan god. Warning sirens began howling and belching out instructions in both English and Spanish, but no one seemed to pay them much mind. No one except me. All I could think was I was going to die a horribly twisty death at a goddamn giant garage sale, surrounded by illegal immigrants and drunken hillbillies, because I wanted to get some new wrestling masks. What a stupid way to go.

The calm, collected illegal immigrants and drunken hillbillies obviously knew something I didn't, because before it got near the ground the funnel cloud retracted itself and we all got back to the business of being in slowly creeping traffic. But I learned something that day. I learned that this shit happens in eastern Colorado on a regular basis. Therefore, anyone who lives east of Denver is fucking nuts. Only crazy people live with tornadoes. And next time I need new masks I'll just buy them online.

CAPTAIN CONSERVATIVE ARCHIVES

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