Sunday, May 24, 2009

You've Been Warned Vol II Issue XVIII

Comic reviews by a fan, for the fans.

**As always, mind the spoilers, fanboy.**

- OPENING REMARKS -

Captain America #50
by Ed Brubaker & Luke Ross (among others)
Marvel Comics


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Let me get this out of the way: it's fucking stupid and insulting that this month we have Cap #50 and next month we have Cap #600. Fucking typical Marvel bullshit. Two over-sized issues back to back is two too fucking many. It's a goddamn miracle we collectively haven't run these assholes out of business for all the habitually sloppy sales sodomy they pull on us on a goddamn monthly basis. And yet we put up with it, month after month, week after week, issue after issue. Why? Why do we let them do this to us?

We let them fuck us in the wallet because the books are good. This is a prime example. Never would I have believed a writer could revive Bucky, one of the most embarrassing oddities in comic history. Even more astonishing, that queef of a revival has successfully replaced one of the most iconic characters in the biz. Never in a million fucking years would I have believed it. But Brubaker pulled it off. He fucking did it. Every month I pick up this title and watch this out-of-place, haunted misfit try to fill the shoes of a man whose shoes can never be filled, and every time I'm completely amazed and engrossed by what I'm reading. This book is a goddamn miracle.

That being said, this particular issue is chocked full of crap. The Brubaker/Ross portion is, like everything else they've done in the title, fucking great. The Sentinel of Liberty back-up portion by Marcos Martin is bullcrap. I don't care how well you mimic Darwyn Cooke, no one needs 14 pages of goddamn exposition that everyone already fucking knows. The fact that living creatures died(said creatures being trees {and puppies. Marvel kills puppies and blends their bloodied little bodies in with the paper just for the fuck of it}), their carcases mashed and pulped together and stained with ink to deliver such a wasteful synopsis literally makes me nauseous. The Fred Hembeck section of the book I can take or leave. I've never really cared for ol' Mr. Hembeck, but at least his contribution was a tasteful two pages long.

The point I'm making is Captain America is a great book when the actual story isn't minced in with a bunch of shit. I shudder to think what's coming down the pipe with issue #600, and this Rebirth circle-jerk. Life would be so much sweeter if the folks in charge would stop dazzling up books that don't need to be dazzled. But like I said, we put up with this, like some corn-fed country girl in a trailer in Kansas who stays with her husband because he only hits her every once in a while, because for the most part it's good. That's what we get for being whores.

Herogasm #1
by Garth Ennis & John McCrea (w/ Keith Burns)
Dynamite Entertainment


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If you aren't reading The Boys, there's no point in picking up this series, as it won't make any sense. If you are reading The Boys and have chosen to forgo this series, you're a jive cracka and someone best call yo' mama. Sure, there's little to no reason this series needed to exist outside of the main title, but whatever. I personally am willing to spend the extra bucks for this silly shit. It may not be worthy of any deep analytical discussions regarding thematic elements or craft executions, but this raunchy satirical look at the genre has every foul super-hero sex joke you'd ever thought of, and it's only the first issue. Comedic gold as only Ennis can do. Pick it up if you're in the know and not afraid of a whole bucket load of nudity.

Supergirl #41
by Sterling Gates & Fernando Dagnino
DC Comics


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Well, this whole Who is Superwoman storyline was a limp dick of a read. It's universally bad form to set up a plot revolving around the unknown identity of a mysterious murderer, and then reveal the murderer is someone no one gives a flying fuck about. I don't know how long Lucy Lane (i.e. Lois Lane's sister) has existed in this or any other continuity. I don't care. She's a flat, retarded character. I still don't understand (thanks to sloppy storytelling) whether or not her Kryptonian powers stemmed from her stupid super-suit or something else, and I don't care to put the effort into finding out. It's not worth it. I'm glad she's dead, and I'm sorry I started reading this book. That's what I get for picking up a code approved title written by some dude no one'd ever heard of before.

Two saving graces (kinda): Here's a panel where Lane points at the symbol on her chest, but out of context it looks like she's pointing at her heaving bosom (which amuses me):

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And here's the part where Supergirl, with a very masculine gesture, tears said symbol off Lane (as Joey Stiles screams "Cat fight!!!"):

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If I were writing the book, Supergirl would then wrestle Lane to the ground and sodomize her with a strap-on. That's why no one at DC will return my calls.

This book sucks. I'm dropping it the second I get a chance (talking to you, Rod). Drop drop drop.

- PICK OF THE WEEK -

Johnny Hiro
by Fred Chao
Adhouse Books


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Everything I've ever wanted in a comic title can be found within the pages of Johnny Hiro. Lovable characters. Formulaic yet unpredictable conflicts. Laugh out loud comedic elements. Heartwarming, believable romance. Nerd references only one in five people will understand. An overall message of hope in the face of social and economic instability (this in particular appeals to me as of late). This book is priceless, and worthy of every good comment you'll hear about it. Plus, it's thrifty! It's, like, 150 pages or something (I'm not gonna count, so eat me) for $15.00. Take it from me, it's worth every penny.

I almost can't believe this is Fred Chao's first book. That man's got a bright future in this industry.

I dare you to find someone who didn't like Johnny Hiro. I double-dog dare you. And if you do find that someone, they're just saying they didn't like it to be contrary, so you should beat them and steal their wallet so you can, y'know, go to the comic store and buy Johnny Hiro so you can read it for yourself. It'll be totally worth the felony charge you'll get later. Totally.

- PAN OF THE WEEK -
Black Terror #4
by Alex Ross, Jim Krueger, & Mike Lilly
Dynamic Entertainment


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Here marks the conclusion of another Project Superpowers spin-off. Here also marks the end of my willingness to continue funding Project Superpowers. It seemed like an interesting (albeit slightly overused) concept at the time: a group of super-heroes, lost to time, miraculously returning to find the society tormented by greed and corruption on a global scale, so they band together to put things right again. In Black Terror, we follow the quest of that particular hero to kill the president. Sounds interesting, right? WRONG. This title is riddled with unbearably slow-paced non-action (even for Ross & Krueger, two creators of habitually slow-paced stories), generic representations of good and evil (muddied by an obvious undertone of real-life liberal leanings), Liefeld-esque interior art, and, with all due respect to the original creators, some of the gayest characters I have ever seen. "Boy King?" "Yank" & "Doodle?" Fuck's sake. If you ever catch me buying another copy of this or any other Project Superpowers book, I'll take my doodle out and yank it out right in front of you.

YOU'VE BEEN WARNED.

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