Sunday, May 10, 2009

You've Been Warned Vol II Issue XVI

- COMING ATTRACTIONS -

In which Mister V rejoices or laments over the offerings in Diamond Distributions Previews 248, set for shipping in July.

- DARK HORSE COMICS - Much like the male porn star who goes weeks without sex in order to unload a massive torrent of jizzum on some poor, well-pain starlet, this publisher is overflowing with good stuff for July. Two new Mignola books, a Goon crossover (which would be more exciting if I had fucking cable tv), a noir collection featuring such mighty writers as David Lapham and Jeff Lemire (not to mention Brian Azzarello and Ed Brubaker), and a brand-new book from the author of the critically acclaimed Superspy. Holy crap kids, start hording your bucks now. Take to purse snatching and delivering hand-jobs in the alley behind your local Denny's. Dark Horse is where it's at this month, but it's gonna cost you good.

- DC COMICS - I've never been a big Green Lantern fan, but having recently gotten my first taste of what's been happening within the title, I'm nearly salivating over Blackest Night. Coming so hot off the heels of the latest DC event (which still has titles needing finishing, as we all know), I understand how one might be wary of jumping onto another so quickly. It's your choice. I don't blame you if you don't wanna go there again. You may be vulnerable and rebounding, and need some time to get over your wounds. Maybe you'll need to do a little soul searching before you get your groove back and feel ready to have another crossover in your life. Take your time. There are plenty of fish in the sea. But I'm already in line for it. Why? Mostly because I'm a fucking whore who can't get enough of this shit. My gut's telling me this is gonna be a good one. Who am I to argue with my gut? Who are any of us to do such a thing? So go ahead, DC. You've got my attention. Give it to me like the slut I am.

- I want Wednesday Comics to succeed. I really do. It sounds like a neat idea. But I can't rap my head around the obnoxious format. 28" by 20?" That's gonna be annoying as fuck. I applaud DC for its innovation, but I wouldn't be surprised if this one tripped over its dick right out of the gate. I'll still buy it though, because I'm a whore (as I've already established). I'm also retarded enough to have already forgotten the pain Trinity caused me. Godamn it's hard going through life like this.

- Judd Winick on Batman? What the fuck? Why not just stick a big, diseased dick in my eyes and fucking blind me already. At least that way I wouldn't have to trudge through the man's fumbling attempts at forming competent, enjoyable storylines. In a way it's a small blessing, I suppose. By dropping this title I can read the other Bat-books, penned by exciting authors. Thanks a million, Judd.

- Vertigo's got a major hit on its hands with Joshua Dysart's Unknown Soldier. I can't begin to detail how intense and disturbing this book is. The first trade's in here for 10 bucks. Do yourself a favor and check it out.

- IMAGE COMICS - New Mice Templar book starting up here. It's a fairly entertaining title. I'm not into it as much as some people I know, but I've always had that problem with fantasy books. However, even I can appreciate the rich and wondrous heritage of talking mice. They're so damn cute with their swords when they cut shit up. Aside from this title, it's treading water time at Image this month.

- MARVEL COMICS - What the fuck is this?

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Yeah, I'd be pumping out the cheesy gimmicks too if I knew DC was gonna hand me my blubbery ass sales wise in July. Seriously, fuck you guys. If you can't tell us what the book is fucking about yet, don't fucking offer it. And while you're at it, eat a bowl of dick, Marvel.

Spider-Man #600 and Hulk #600 and I find myself unable to give a fuck. Not even half a fuck. I might have 1/10 of a fuck of caring about these events. That's par with a coupon one'd cut out of a newspaper, which is worth 1/10 of a penny. I can't think of anything constructively insulting to say beyond that. That's how much of a fuck I give. Fuck this shit.

'Nother titty book.

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What I'd like to see is a "diva" with a B-cup. Give us a little variety, guys. Not everyone is into massive, suffocation-inducing boobies. And why not focus on the booty a little more? Didn't we learn anything from Sir Mix-a-lot or Bubba Sparxxx? It's all about the booty. Booty booty booty. Also, Marvel Divas is written by Aguirre-Sacasa. If ever there were a boner-shrinking writer it's him. He oughta team-up with Judd Winick. I bet those two could write a book so unsexy it'd cause fanboy cock across the country to just pull right up into the body. Oh crap I'm rambling.

That's all I've got to say about that, apparently. Marvel sucks donkey balls this month.

- BLUEWATER PRODUCTIONS - I hope you guys get Vulvar Myiasis. You know what that is? It's a bacterial infection one gets from fucking corpses. A goddamn Princess Diana comic? I don't know how other people stomach this, because the sight of this book makes me wanna puke. Everyone involved in creating or purchasing Female Force #5 should do the human race a favor and saw your genitals right the fuck off.

- DYNAMITE ENTERTAINMENT - I stayed away from Dan Dare because the first issue bored the crap out of me (sorry, Garth). Now that it's in omnibus form, I can't help but pick it up. It might be a slow read, but at least it's relatively cheap. Fuck I'm such a miser.

- DRAWN & QUARTERLY - New printing of Kaspar here. So far this is the best graphic novel I've read this year. No kidding.

- IDW PUBLISHING - I don't know who Richard Stark is. I don't know what this "Parker" series is. All I know is Darwyn Cooke is adapting it. And that's all I need to know.

- MIRAGE STUDIOS - Most everyone's already getting the collected Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles book, so there's no point in me squealing like a nerdo in excitement anywhere but in the privacy of my home, where there are no to few witnesses. If you're one of the people who has opted not to get the collection, it's because you've already got the issues, or you're just being a rebel. If it's the latter of the two ... well... you go, man. Show us squares how to live outside of the box, you existential dynamo. Well done.

- RAW JUNIOR - I'm buying Little Mouse Gets Ready. That's right. I'll be purchasing a children's book. So all you people who've accused me of being a heartless bastard over the years can take a flying fuck jump off of asshole ridge.

- TITAN PUBLISHING - I don't know what happened between Roman Dirge and SLG to make him take Lenore elsewhere, but I can venture a guess whose fault it is *cough*de Guzman*cough*. The fans are reaping the reward for this split with this Previews exclusive hardcover edition of Noogies, fully colored and pimped-up and everything, for a relatively inexpensive price. Wow. Someone definitely done fucked up. I wonder who that was ... *cough*de Guzman!*cough*.

- ODDS AND ENDS - I love how these costumes for ladies in the Collectibles & Novelties section are now being called "Secret Wishes." My girlfriend said she'd only wear a Wonder Woman costume to bed, but she said it in a way that led me to believe she may have been humoring me. I don't think I'm willing to pay $55 to figure out one way or another. God it sucks to be poor.

Happy shopping, kiddos. Don't buy anything I wouldn't.

YOU'VE BEEN WARNED.

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