Sunday, March 29, 2009

You've Been Warned Vol II Issue XII

**AS ALWAYS, MIND THE SPOILERS, FANBOY.**

Fuck's sake, this week saw some nightmare-inducing books hitting the shelves. I can't remember the last time I ingested so much profane, obscene, blood-drenched subject matter. What a week indeed. Join me now as we look back at ...

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Fantastic Four #565
by Mark Millar & Bryan Hitch
Marvel Comics


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Concluding one of the more twisted Fantastic Four storylines I've encountered in recent memory, the family fantastic foil a town's twisted intentions to sacrifice Valeria Richards to a freaky Gozillaish monster (whose appearance is straight outta a Gertrude Stein painting) in exchange for a quarter century of pristine, carefree livin'. Compounding the fucked-up is the scheme's perpetrator, Mr. Fantastic's own freakin' brother. Featuring some breathtaking splash pages from Bryan Hitch, this issue wouldn't have been possible if Marvel hadn't ditched the Comics Code all those years ago. This is the least fucked up of the books on this list, but that doesn't mean much considering the company it's keeping. It's still enough to make small children piss their Osh Gosh Bgosh.

Battlefields: Dear Billy #3
by Garth Ennis & Peter Snejbjerg
Dynamite Entertainment


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After murdering an untold number of wounded Japanese soldiers in a military hospital, our protagonist, Carrie the nurse, slits her wrists in the tub after learning the post-WWII global scheme leaves Japan blameless for war atrocities and closely allied with the United States. Turns out the entire narrative was a freakin' suicide note. There aren't many things that define disturbing like a woman who'd rather die than be in the symbolic proximity of a race of people.

Usagi Yojimbo #119
by Stan Sakai
Dark Horse Comics


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The latest issue of this normally light-hearted series features no less than ten decapitated zombie samurai warriors. A lot of people wouldn't find a bunny cutting people's heads off to be disturbing. That just goes to show you how far down the shitter Western civilization has plummeted. The day I'm not taken aback by a fluffy rabbit choppin' heads off the undead is that day I pull a "Dear Billy."

Crossed #4
by Garth Ennis & Jacen Burrows
Avatar Press


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It's no surprise this book wound up on this list, as apparently it's Ennis' prerogative to shove as much visceral disturbia into the free world as possible before he dies. This book is a fine example of that mission, featuring executions galore, begrudging suicides, cannibalism, and ... um ... horsecock. Just so you know, Crossed is the best horror comic currently on the shelves, bar none. If you're not reading it I bet you feel like a tit right about now. And you should.


Unknown Soldier #6
by Joshua Dysart & Alberto Ponticelli
Vertigo (DC) Comics


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By far the most disturbing thing I read this week, the blood-soaked conclusion of Haunted House turned out to be one huge homicide orgy. Thanks in particular to revelations about previously saved children having appendages hacked off, and one intense execution style murder, this issue left me with a sick, sinking feeling in my guts, as if on a lazy Sunday drive I'd inadvertently run over a kitten or small child. If you're one of those people who enjoys a book that forces them to experience uncomfortable new sensations, I'd recommend jumping on this series before it gets too far along. This shit's indescribably sobering in its horror.

And finally, for the folk's who're on the lookout for a disgusting-as-fuck zine, you may want to check out Buttrag Mag. Issue five done came into the bright, beautiful world this week:

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It's a zine devoted entirely to the glory of the ass. You can most likely secure your copy by checking out the Buttrag Mag Myspace Page, or requesting it through polite email at buttragmag13@gmail.com. Don't be too surprised when you see a few comics by yours truly floating around in this issue.

Enjoy your depraved books and sleep tight, kiddies. I know I will.

YOU'VE BEEN WARNED.

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