Sunday, March 8, 2009

YOU'VE BEEN WARNED Vol II Issue X

**As always, mind the spoilers, fanboy.**

- COMING ATTRACTIONS -
In which Mister V laments or rejoices over the offerings in Diamond Distribution's March Previews.

Special Note - Tonight's YBW will be written whilst the author is all fucked up on medications that can't even be purchased anymore without valid proof of age. Anything off-color or retarded I say is to be blamed entirely on drugs. Don't do drugs, kids. Let the insanity ensue.

- Dark Horse Comics - This publisher is just offering tons of shit I want and can't afford this month. Most predominant of these items is The Life and Times of Martha Washington in the Twenty-First Century, a massive 600 page archive collecting the entirety of the Frank Miller and Dave Gibbons story, all for the penis shrinking price of a hundred bucks (or $250.00, if you wanna get really fancy with the deluxe edition). Or the less pricey but still unreachable (for me, anyway)Cages, Dave McKean's long out-of-print, critically acclaimed opus. Unfortunately, for ghetto-ass financial reasons (like the rest of America), I'm forced to keep my comic purchases to a minimum, and thus will be forgoing these two awesome and expensive collections in favor of the second Beanworld collection, because Beanworld's more bomb ass than anything. But know that I considered taking up male prostitution as a means to buy the other two books. I almost did it too, until I realized what a pain it would be to keep my ass/genitals hairless. Sigh ... being poor sucks. Damn you, Dark Horse, for making awesome shit I don't have the means to purchase, like, ever. Damn you.

- DC Comics - There's something wrong with my DC section in this month's Previews. Due to what I'm assuming is a printing error, solicitations from last month are mixed up with new ones, confusing my drug addled brain. Way to keep those printing costs down, geniuses.

DC's pretty boring this month. I'm not digging any of these Final Crisis spin-offs, because Grant Morrison's not writing any of them. Joe Casey will probably do a decent job on Dance, but, y'know, it probably won't be good enough for my tastes (I'm a finicky motherfucker). I totally know in my heart of hearts that Gerry Conway's gonna fuck up on The Last Days of Animal Man, and I know I shouldn't buy it because (once again) Grant Morrison's not involved. I will buy it, because I'm a whore. Despite Amanda Connor being on a monthly book, which is unexpectedly pleasant, I won't be following the new Power Girl series either, as I've learned from experience that Jimmy Palmiotti and Justin Gray can't do an enjoyable super-hero book.

Two things DC does have going for itself this month are the new Astro City book, which is always enjoyable, and a new Vertigo graphic novel from Jeff Lemire, entitled The Nobody. For those of you who enjoy a good, honest read, you'd benefit from taking note of this author (if you haven't already). His Essex County trilogy was one of the most haunting, thought-provoking titles to come from an indie publisher in recent history. I wouldn't be surprised if this book breaks him into the big time. Here's your chance to get in on the ground floor and impress all your indie comix buddies.

- Image Comics - Not much going on with this publisher either this month. I just want to know: who keeps buying these Rob Liefeld books? Jesus ...

- Marvel Comics - I've been noticing a steady increase in the use of sexual imagery on covers from this publisher lately. I know each and every major publisher is guilty of exploiting the female form to spike sales a bit. I also admit that I'm not much of a feminist, and enjoy a good ol' T&A show as much as the next red-blooded American misogynist. I just think it's starting to get a little intellectually insulting around the Marvel neighborhood. Take a look at this ...

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... and this ...

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... and this ...

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... and then this ...

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... and this ...

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... and especially this.

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What the fuck? That chick has a freakin' metal tit stickin out over her uniform, which is obviously an attempt to appeal to amputee fetishists. Freakin' Marvel perverts. Shit like this is why it's taken decades for the public at large to take the medium seriously. Your average civilian can take one glance at these books and recoils in disgust and pity for the pathetic, womanless, chronic masturbating fanboys who buy this shit. For shame.

Seriously though, the above rant was just filling space, because aside from a follow-up Terror, Inc. series kicking off and a new issue of Kick-Ass, Marvel's a little quiet this month, just like everyone else. Put as many degrading images on the covers of the books as you want. Set the quest for general acceptance of the sequential medium and gender equality back a few fucking years. See if I care.

Heh, look at this goofy Mini-Mates figure:

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That's right: now you too can own the Lamenting, Pussy Wolverine, complete with gay, puffy shirt. Order now!

- Slave Labor Graphics - Never in my life have I seen such a sparse offering from such a once mighty publisher. Yipes. SLG is responsible for a ton of influential, one-of-a-kind titles, a few of which drastically influenced my perspective of the medium in my formative years. It's amazing to me how close they are to non-existence. Diamond's new policies sure did fuck these guys up. The entire field has a lot to lose if this publisher bites it.

The plus side to this unfortunate situation is I've heard rumors a certain editor-in-chief has been utilizing his or her new found free time to continue writing his or her erotic memoir, entitled "Queen of Bukkake: How I Drank More Cum than any Ladyboy Ever." Good for him or her.

Remember: don't blame me for what I'm saying here. I'm on pharmaceuticals.

- Avatar Press Inc. - I'm excited for the new Freakangels collection. For my money this is the best book Warren Ellis is currently writing (take it from a guy who's reading everything Warren Ellis is writing).

- IDW Publishing - Bob Fingerman's work once made me laugh out loud. Because of that I'll buy anything he writes from now on. That's how From the Ashes will eventually find its way into my hold slot. There's something to be said about loyalty and gratitude, dammit. Anyone who can make this jaded fuck laugh out loud is doing something right.

- Oni Press Inc. - For some reason I thought I'd seen the last of Wonton Soup. I'm glad I was wrong. James Stokoe's introductory volume of this series was good to stick in my memory, like a chicken bone in a fat man's gullet. Here's to hoping there's no sophomore jinx.

- Top Shelf Productions - I'm so used to seeing this publisher pump out kid friendly books lately that I'm a little taken aback over the MATURE THEMES labels in a few of its solicitations this month. That's not the only reason I'm getting Far Arden, by Kevin Cannon (who I've never heard of before). It's probably the main reason though. That and drugs. Damn drugs.

- Random Notes - Normally I like thumbing though the Collectibles & Novelties section of the Previews for random crap to waste my money on. No more, apparently, thanks to Diamond's new, anal fissure inducing financial requirements. So instead of fun junk, this month I was assaulted by pages upon pages of super-hero costumes. I just have one thing to say to this: if my girlfriend walked into the bedroom wearing any one of the many female costumes offered here, I would cum my undies in, like, three fucking seconds. Fuck all that feminist shit I was spewing earlier. Those costumes are fuckin' hot. I'm totally gonna get some and make a porno. That'll teach Diamond to fuck with my junk shoppin'.

IN CONCLUSION ... if ya'll are hurtin' financially (like, duh), there's not a lot to get excited about this month. It shouldn't be too hard to give the ol' wallet a break. Thank the various Gods for small miracles. Let's just hope that this isn't business as usual, thanks to certain policies set up by certain distributors that suck fat donkey cock.

Happy shopping, fanboys and fangirls. Don't buy anything I wouldn't.

YOU'VE BEEN WARNED.

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