Sunday, February 8, 2009

YOU'VE BEEN WARNED VOL II Issue VI

- COMING ATTRACTIONS - In which the author laments or rejoices about the offerings in the latest issue of Diamond Distributors Previews.

- DARK HORSE COMICS - The fanboy part of me is foaming at the mouth over the reproductions of The Saga of Solomon Kane. The fiscal asshole in me is reminding the fanboy that I haven't so much as touched any of my very similar Savage Sword of Conan collections since I bought them. I hate the fiscal asshole in me. Fucking reasonable bastard.

I also see there's a new "non-disappearing top" Bettie Page mug offered. If Dark Horse cancels the previously offered "disappearing top" mug I ordered a few months back I am going to be beside myself with rage. I know that she just died and all, but there's no reason for death to prevent me from drinking my morning tea out of a mug with titties on it. I want my fucking mug, you bastards!

- DC COMICS - Hey look at all the Battle for the Cowl spin-off books. Wow, better keep up with those. You might miss something. *Snicker*

Like most everyone else, I'm very excited about Flash:Rebirth. It's been so very, very long since the Flash has been awesome (even though I did briefly enjoy Mark Waid's brief run on the title a year or so ago, despite the fact that I was the only one). I have high hopes that Geoff Johns will deliver with this new title (even though I didn't care for his previous runs on the title). I'm just completely overrun with hope over here. Must be all the Obama appearances in comics lately. Hooray Flash!

I just don't know what to say about this Dead Romeo book, by newcommer Jesse Blaze Snider. From what I've seen from vampire books in the past, even the Mature Reader ones, which are full of nudity and gore and homosexual overtones, fail after the initial novelty wears off. I'm having a hard time seeing an apparent all-ages title revolving around a former rock star vampire freshly escaped from hell succeeding. Sure, a bitchin' painting of this concept on the side of your metalhead buddy's van would be, like, sweet, but a six issue mini-series? I suppose you never know. Well, let me know how that one turns out, whoever you are who will be reading it.

Starman Omnibus Vol. 3! Oh god my poor wallet! It hurts so fucking good!

I've been told that Static was an awesome book back in the day, even though Dwayne McDuffie (the same author currently butchering the shit out of JLA) was heavily involved in it. I've also been told that all life on Earth will end in December of 2012. If that's true, and we all only have a few more short years of life left, why in the world would anyone want to waste time on seeing whether or not an author was once capable of penning an enjoyable book? Time's too short, people. Read something you're fairly certain will be good before we're all fucking dead! (The moral of this story has been "don't believe everything you hear).

I haven't read a single page of Bayou, the soaked-in-praise web comic from the Zuda line, because I hate that digital shit. Now that it's being published in a tangible form (i.e. one less likely to give me eye cancer), I'll give it a shot. Yes, I know by reading this column and other things I do online I'm contributing to everyone's eventual eye cancer. Don't call me on this shit, people.

New Seaguy! I think something like 1 out of every 5 comic fans enjoyed the first series. Unfortunately, that means that 4 out of every 5 comic fans are big, gay babies. So read this book or else you're a big, gay baby, and that'll just make your every social event from now on awkward, since everyone will know know you for what you really are. Oh yes, everyone will know.

- IMAGE COMICS - There's a lot of new stuff from Image this month, and I won't be getting any of it. I'll tell you why: skipping Viking because there's no way in hell it could be as awesome as Brian Wood's Northlanders, passing on The Strange Adventures of H.P. Lovecraft because, y'know, I'm not cool enough to appreciate Lovecraft on any level, foregoing Pherone since it's obviously a bad girl throwback, and dodging Smash Unleashed! because I've heard rumors that Rob Liefeld kills a kitten every time someone buys one of his comics. Yeesh, better luck next month.

- MARVEL COMICS - I'm doing my damndest to whittle down the amount of Marvel books I buy. I'm failing miserably. As of this month I'll be adding Secret Warriors (only because Jonathan Hickman's da bomb, yo) and Agents of Atlas to my monthly bin because ... dammit, they're awesome. That's it though! Fuck all this 70th Anniversary Captain America and Sub-Mariner horseshit. Fuck Skull Kill Krew and Spider-Woman and Beta Ray Bill and everything else that came out of Secret Invasion (except the two books I'm signing up for). You might have won this month, Marvel, but you haven't beaten me yet. I'll get you back. Oh yes, I'll fucking get you back.

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Just a random observation: look at the cover of Wolverine: Origins #35. Now explain to me how I'm supposed to respect Wolverine's son when he's got such a douchey haircut. Fucking mohawk mullet horseshit. You come to my neighborhood with a haircut like that, mutant or otherwise, and someone will shoot your cracka ass.

Two other books I'll be avoiding like an ugly girl with a massive crush and an inability to take a hint are Fantastic Force and All-New Savage She-Hulk. Looking at the covers and reading the solicitations should be enough explanation as to why, but by all means, don't let my slandering, or any other voice of reason, prevent you from buying them. I recognize that sometimes we just can't save people from doing the wrong thing. Why do you think all these Marvel Apes books keep getting created? Some people just want to kill their brains slowly, and we're powerless to stop them. We have to let nature take its course, and hope that at least one or two fanboys will come around and pull back from the brink. Don't lose hope, people. Obama wouldn't.

Oh god, am I going to get Exiles #1 as well? Jeff Parker's such a badass. But I don't want another Marvel book. Oh fuck I'm so conflicted. DAMN YOU MARVEL! DAMN YOU!

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Holy shit, look at the cover of X-Men: Legacy #223. Danger totally has robot nipples! Ha! I'm finally starting to understand why these X-books are so fucking popular.

Yeah. I'm gonna be getting Wolverine: Weapon X too. And The Destroyer. Shut up.

- AARDVARK VANAHEIM - By the time I wised up and started reading Cerebus, the series was already on the Form and Void arc, meaning I had a lot of catching up to do. My tardy start meant I'd missed out on a lot of shit not being reprinted in any of the Cerebus collections. Well, apparently I won't be missing out anymore, thanks to the start of Cerebus Archive. Thanks, Dave, for filling in the gaps for us tardy fuckers. Now if I could only get my hands on a pack of fucking Diamondback cards and get simultaneous head from the Spice Girls I can die a relatively happy man.

- ARCHAIA STUDIOS PRESS - Goddammit, I'm never going to get to finish The Killer or Mousguard, am I? Why must life be so habitually unfair?

- AVATAR PRESS - Warren Ellis seems to be really excited about his new book Ignition City. After reading all his other Avatar books, I can say quite honestly I'm not sharing his enthusiasm. This'd better be fucking good.

- BLUEWATER PRODUCTIONS - Uh-oh, another Female Force book this month, now featuring Michelle Obama. You guys are starting to run low on powerful women in politics to sponge off of. Who's next? Caroline Kennedy? Nancy Pelosi? Sasha and Malia Obama? Ha! You guys suck!

- BOOM! STUDIOS - I've often wondered what Mark Waid could do if he applied himself to a creator owned book at an indie studio. Looks like I'll get to find out in April with Irredeemable. I don't have any general impressions on the book from the solicitation. I just hope it doesn't suck. Knowing what Waid's been doing with his time lately it could go either way, but I'll keep my fingers crossed for him (as much as I can for a goddamn four dollar comic).

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- DYNAMIC STUDIOS - Not to be a pervert, or a dick, but am I the only person who looks at this Red Sonja Statue, complete with suggestive blood splatter and a bloodier phallus, and immediately recalls that scene in The Exorcist where the Linda Blair violently masturbates with the crucifix? "Let Red Sonja fuck you!"

- DRAWN & QUARTERLY - I've never read anything from Yoshihiro Tatsumi before, but he's releasing an autobiographical book, A Drifting Life, that's 840 pages long. Holy crap! How could I not look into that?! Fuck me I'm gonna be so broke after this month.

- ONI PRESS - In this financial climate, nothing shows more determination and confidence than a creator and a publisher willing to put out a near 200 page collection for six dollars. If this doesn't make the first collection of Mark Guggenheim's Resurrection worth looking in to, then nothing does. Six bucks. I'm still freakin' stunned. Show some respect for the man and his convictions and buy his book already.

- TOP SHELF PRODUCTIONS - Yeah, yeah, yeah, new League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. Whoop de do. I'd be more excited if the taste of that goddamn Black Dossier book wasn't still clinging to my pallet like a wad of salmonella drenched peanut butter. In my heart of hearts I hope it'll be awesome, but until I have the first issue read I'm anticipating its release with bitter reservation.

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- RANDOM NOTES - I do not, nor will I ever, endorse or condone The Watchmen movie in any way, shape, or form (not that anyone really gives a fuck what I think). I will, however, buy the Rorschach beenie mask being offered, and will wear it at any and all inappropriate times, like while walking the dog, driving to work, or in the bedroom with my girlfriend. I can't help it. Stop judging me.

Happy shopping, fanboys and fangirls. Don't buy anything I wouldn't.

YOU'VE BEEN WARNED.

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