Sunday, January 25, 2009

YOU'VE BEEN WARNED VOL II Issue IV

**As always, mind the spoilers, fanboy.**

- OPENING REMARKS -


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- Dark Avengers #1, by Brian Michael Bendis & Mike Deodato, Marvel Comics - You know what I thought about this book? Nothing! You know why? I didn't fucking buy it! Hahaha! Up yours, Bendis. I'm taking my four bucks and going to Wendy's, where I'll buy a spicy chicken sandwich that'll most likely give me painful diarrhea! But that diarrhea won't be nearly as painful as this shit! Hahaha! I win!

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- The Brave and the Bold #21, by David Hine & Doug Braithwaite, DC Comics - I can't speak for anyone else, but the only thing that kept me on this title after Marv Wolfman's craptacular run was a generous sense of optimism spawned by a fifth of Ol' Grandad Whiskey. But unlike so many events in my life resulting from a foggy blur of cheap booze, this one has actually paid off. I am thoroughly enjoying this arc. The story is extremely inventive, and at times unexpectedly disturbing. The art is stylistically weighty and warm thanks to some absolutely gorgeous coloring by Art Lyon. Overall this is a pleasant, exciting, and unexpected reading experience. If only all DC books were this competent.

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- Thunderbolts #128, by Andy Diggle & Roberto De La Torre, Marvel Comics - Goddammit how many motherfucking times do I have to see President Obama in my fucking comics?! Enough already! Fuck's sake!

Despite that, I'm reiterating now that this title is going to be the best thing to stumble forth from the whole "Dark Reign" whatever that you all seem to just be so in love with. Why? Because they're using Robert Kirkman's Antman, that's why. That charcter's freakin' awesome.

Seriously though, enough with Obama already. We know he's the President. Quit fuckin' milkin' it.

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- Final Crisis: Superman Beyond 3D #2, by Grant Morrison & Doug Mahnke, DC Comics - As mush as I enjoy Grant Morrison, sometimes I have no fucking idea what he's doing with his books, with all the abstract settings, symbolic characterizations, and cosmic vampires. You know what compounds my misunderstanding? Having to wear an awkward pair of fucking 3D glasses while reading his books. Now, not only do I not understand what happened, but I have a headache the size of an Image super heroine's boobies. Jesus H. that's what I get for buying into the fucking gimmicks.

However, I did enjoy (note sarcasm) the implication from the Nazi Superman that if Hitler were victorious in World War II he would have established a utopia. Nicely done, DC. Lots of nice Jewish folk no doubt enjoyed that sentiment, especially since it came from the spawn of a character created by two nice Jewish gentleman. But, y'know, that character's from an alternate timeline. So, y'know, whatever.

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- House of Mystery Vol. 1: Room & Boredom, by Matthew Sturges, Bill Willingham, & Luca Rossi (among others), Vertigo (DC) Comics - It's been a long time since Vertigo's done a horror book, hasn't it? Last one I can remember was that shitty Brian K. Vaughan Swamp Thing series. Have there been other ones since then? I don't know. What am I, a freakin' encyclopedia?

The point I'm trying to make is it's been a long time since Vertigo put out a good horror book, but I'm glad to see they haven't given up on the genre. From this first collection it's apparent that House of Mystery isn't going to follow the typical Sandmanesque archetype like one might expect. What it is going to do is rely heavily on enjoyable characters, witty stories, and a steady supply of guest artists (i.e. Jill Thompson, for instance), which is a very clever selling point.

Looks like I've got another Vertigo title to follow.

- PICK OF THE WEEK -
Battlefields: The Night Witches #3
by Garth Ennis & Russ Braun
Dynamite Entertainment


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I won't lie: more often than not I need a handful of No Doze pills to get through Ennis' war comics. Remember all those War Stories books he did for Vertigo back in the day? Fuck me running, I felt like I was back in my crappy high school history class with the instructor who'd pop a few ill-gotten vicodins and then nurse a mug concealing a concoction of coffee and Everclear throughout his lectures.

This initial Battlefields storyline, however, is anything but boring. It's goddamn intense, completely unpredictable and uncompromising, like a rabid pitbull with a ten-inch boner. Aw man, I still can't believe the conclusion of this story. If you're ever in the proximity of some hoity-toity feminist fangirl in the midst of a rant about how there are "no strong female characters in comics produced by male creators," just point them in the direction of this book. That'll shut 'er up.

Seriously, top notch stuff from beginning to end. Look for this one in paperback. It'll be worth every single red cent, comrade.

- PAN OF THE WEEK -
The Mighty Avengers #21
by Dan SLott & Khoi Pham
Marvel Comics


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Dan Slott earned a lot of respect from me for his work on She-Hulk. It pains me to write the following comments about his latest efforts, but the truth must be told, goddammit. This book sucks sweaty donkey balls.

First, is it absolutely necessary to do the whole "an apocalyptic event forces familiar and unacquainted heroes alike to band together in the name of justice" thing every fucking time there's a roster change? I know that's how the team initially started, but I don't recall the roster changing so frequently in the past. Fuck's sake, Bendis changed the line-up twice while he had the title. Can we try a more creative origin next time? One that hasn't been run into the ground?

Secondly, a grieving Hank Pym now calling himself the Wasp is creepy and lame. That's just an opinion, but I'll eat my next door neighbor's crusty old vagina if I'm the only person who feels that way.

Thirdly, I missed when Hulk came back. I also missed when Scarlet Witch started doing her thing again. I also missed why and when anyone gave a fuck about Quicksilver. I fucking hate when I won't understand a Marvel book unless I've read every other Marvel book published in the last five years. Some of you other fanboys might enjoy stories like this, but I bet you're enjoying them from the comfort of your parent's basement, you walking stereotypes.

Sorry, Dan, but I fear that this is just another book a heartbeat away from removal from my hold slot.

YOU'VE BEEN WARNED.

Send all hate mail, lawn darts, creative solutions to domestic spats to misterv@q.com

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